All for Nothing

JohanLitvisk · Post by **JohanLitvisk** » Mon Apr 20, 2015 6:17 am

This is a little short one. May induce angry and sadness (Depends on how well I can convey those emotions)...

Spoiler: show

Well, there goes that rant dressed in a semi-poetic (probably not) story. As always, enjoy and let me know what you think.

Zadocfish · Post by **Zadocfish** » Tue Apr 21, 2015 4:47 am

You didn't describe what he did to turn her into a submissive; in the profile, it's stated that it usually only happens when a male has asserted dominance or otherwise proved himself to be her superior in some way.

Beyond that, remember that the profiles are quite exaggerated when it comes to MG behavior; not to be taken quite literally, as it were. This works only half-way, and only with a very, very literal idea of the material.

As for the writing itself, the all-caps took any drama behind the shed and gave it both barrels through the skull. Italics would have been... acceptable. All-caps and drama, nay, all-caps and writing do not enjoy each others company. Also, watch the ellipses. They're fine when used in moderation, but the more they are used, the more melodramatic and lifeless the work becomes.

Overall, I have seen better and I have seen worse. Bottom line, the emotions you are trying to convey are dramatized and stretched to the point of meaninglessness, and the concept behind the events is vaguely possible, but extremely flawed. But, you didn't make any major spelling or syntax errors, so I call it mediocre... though that might be a bit generous.

I'm not trying to be mean, though; just pointing out what I noticed. Others might like the work.

The Monster Multiverse

The Monster Multiverse

All for Nothing

All for Nothing

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All for Nothing

All for Nothing

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