Reclamation of another self (Working title)

An old member's return to writing.

Small one off stories and poems can be posted and read here.

Reclamation of another self (Working title)

Postby DogKama » Thu May 26, 2016 12:16 am

Hello everybody, how are you guys today?

It's me DogKama, and the reason for this topic is to..well.. tease an upcoming one-shot I'm currently working. For me its a weird feeling since the last time I posted a story was from our MGU.com days(before TMM) and after such a long break felt the need to contribute once again. The one-shot won't be any NSFW content or ecchi MG story, instead it will have more of a deeper thought behind it. I'm not sure what it is I'm trying to do other than try something different than the norm; once I figure out what exactly that is Ill let you guys know.

Instead of posting one solid wall of story, I'm going to post snip its averaging around 1,500k -2k words that will eventually make up the entirety of the story. I can't make any promises but I'm going to try to push for 2k word segments every Friday, realistically I say it will likely be about every two weeks or so.


Part one, Scrapping the bottom
Spoiler: show
The last few weeks had been a troubling but rewarding experience: long grueling marches, days of moggy rain and mud, pitiful resistance, food spoilage, and the deadly uncertainty of our mission. A suicidal strike into the heart of demon controlled territory in a righteous quest seeking redemption.

Lords know we need it.

Looking over my shoulder, to the finest examples of human sin and misery riding horseback in lines of 4 was an odd, yet mystical sight. Each one having been in some form a convicted man of the Church and realm meant for the gallows or the rotting crypts they classified as prisons. A sentence meant break a man's will while he wasted his last humanity prying for the Chief God to find it in his heart, to grant them mercy for their crimes and bestow a quick death upon them.

Instead we received what could be considered a sword against the throat. Either way death would claim us in the end.

I had talked to some of the others, my sin brothers and each weaved a similar tale much like my own; festering rot and shadows wormed into their souls and muscle when an angel appeared before them. Her tone welcoming and soft as a warmed wine, bitter and barely tolerable to stand, but quelled the aches of their flesh.

“Come sinner. I offer a most righteous cause to end your torment.”

Needless to say none had known what cause she offered but to leave the shackles and despair behind was like giving gold to a beggar.

Myself and many more like me found ourselves being taught the basics needed to wield a weapon and march over several weeks in preparation for the upcoming chance to cleanse our sins. A major battle was brewing just over the border of the Demon Realm near the town of Url’n Ylva and this dirty mob was to lead the assault. To do this we were given dull blades, decrypted bows, worn leather armor, and the finest plates and chain armor afforded (ignoring the dents, cuts and patches or rust) of course.

Only the best equipment is provided for The Order’s newly raised and minted Broken Wings Century.

We were not but apprentices giving journeymen work, but that mattered little in weeks’ time. Until that time we found our days consisting of endless marching till the bottoms of our feet simply disappeared. We said little during those long marches, less of fear and more because we’re simply too exhausted to open our lips, while the dryness of our scaly throats killed any lively words there might have been. But if one can claim any good from that miserable slow death, I would say it were the sights.

Golden seas of wheat for days calmly bending to the angel touches of divine breezes as the simple path we followed trailed through it all. Sparsely did we ever see another soul on the path, even less tending to the fields brewing up the sensation (to me at least) that we all had crossed into the Other Realm. No birds greeted us and only the muddy sounds of blistered feet shambling over the dirt offered any noise to the wondering mind, and this did nothing to end my raising dread.

Maybe I should have stayed in my dank cell with the rotted stray... At least in confinement one couldn’t walk let alone stand if they wanted.

Even as the nightshade fell over us at the end of each trek, there’s neither rest nor time for the development of the condition. Those sinful souls we’ve come to associate as friend are herded off into pins of tents with a single torch in the center to offer the only source of warmth and light. We’re kept separated but together to prevent the gathering of such corruption in a single spot. So the vets, the knights, with the faultless armor and whistling swords are given the task of watch for any danger, external and internal that may threaten our camp.

Nothing ever outright threaten us, but one or two men do turn up missing the next morning, yet this is waved off as desertion or examples of hell taken the truly wicked from us by command of the Celestials. We all take these reasoning’s as truth from the heart but I feel only to avoid the other alternative... mamono attacks.

We all started praying frequently from that day onward.

The marches continue but develop into something different than they were once before. Our baby feet are use to the brittle ground and have grown near as tough a hide one would find from an ox. We march more erect, looking far into the horizon than before and I must say its much better than staring at the bloodied dirt; rhythm has taken to our ears as the shambling crypt crawlers grew into a pleasant sound only a mother could love. We weren’t marching alone anymore, but as one single body with a single purpose.

I felt it with each pump of my heart while basking in the radiating glow of my peers. We all felt it, we all knew the man next to us felt it, but to fine and feel pride was a new experience. One I swore startled me for the first time but quickly grew to relish its presence while those around me admired me for it. This new feeling was infecting us and our saviors must have noticed this and for the cat tails and near daily purging of our corrupted minds started growing fewer and far between.

Somewhere around the eleventh sun rising a cry went out from the top and rippled through our very formation until violently dying in the rear.
Our troop slowed to the point we felt more a gliding over the compacted dirt than actual walking, but still we keep on moving. Always moving, never stopping until the sun above had waned far behind us to sink below our heads. The air had changed, taking a childlike playfulness as it weaved in between our lines grasping our fingers with its cold hands; a few made fists to fight its touch but most of us, the desperate ones who couldn't fight this playfulness just staggered on unbothered. A little cold is but a tickle to the acts of life we’ve experienced.

But as the darkness grew somber, so did the cold and soon we could not ignore it much longer. To dull this new sensation I found myself focusing on the little pin pricks of light that specially surrounded us, never too far to blend with the night and yet close enough to illuminate the odd tree. I heard whispers just a squad length behind, as a regular told a few to look forward and ignore the dancing display all around us. Instead of taking his word, they fought back and questioned it; to which he ended that trait when he mentioned fairies.

Not once after that moment did my desert eyes ever leave the back of the head in front of me.
Last edited by DogKama on Fri Jun 10, 2016 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Feathers » Thu May 26, 2016 9:50 am

A SFW story? Nice. Good to see that you are getting the writing inspiration back. It's too bad people rarely read and comment, we'd probably have more submissions in general. Hard to be motivated/improve with only a cold dark wind leaving blank comments. :(

So a story about angels and demons? Looks interesting.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Raet » Thu May 26, 2016 12:55 pm

So true Feathers, it is very hard to be motivated about writing for this site when next to no-one comments.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby DogKama » Thu May 26, 2016 1:47 pm

Feathers wrote:A SFW story? Nice. Good to see that you are getting the writing inspiration back. It's too bad people rarely read and comment, we'd probably have more submissions in general. Hard to be motivated/improve with only a cold dark wind leaving blank comments. :(

So a story about angels and demons? Looks interesting.


Thank you Feathers for taking the time to comment. I have a rough idea on where and how I want the story go, but its subject to change the longer I spend writing it. For it involving angels and demons physically is still unknown but do know I'm trying to write it involving the characters in conflict their own inner selves.

Raet wrote:So true Feathers, it is very hard to be motivated about writing for this site when next to no-one comments.


I have to say I'm part of the problem. I haven't read any MG stories since Jolly(that polar bear) and Architect used to post, but my main problem is I'm more of a lurker. I only post or comment when I feel there's something I can add to the conversation without it being a copy paste of other comments. Still once I finish this and perhaps start another story a lack of comments wouldn't stop me.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Feathers » Thu May 26, 2016 6:49 pm

@Raet- It's not just here though, MANY forums suffer from the "I just want to show off my stuff" syndrome. I complained like crazy in my old forums about it a lot. What I concluded is that the majority are just picky readers, lack the time to read it and comment, have bad at read comprehension, etc. I fall into several of those categories myself. >_< (Sorry Blake! I really am!)

Personally, I'm tired of the word "mamono" and everything inspired by the MGE. I'm even MORE picky nowadays, and ready for more mature and well thought monster girl material and am bored with seeing a zillion fuck fics ('cuse the bluntness) or monster girl profiles. I can barely handle my frustration in anime at times these days too. The fan service is just getting worse and worse.. I do however still like to see original monster girl art that people make. *wink*

@Dogkama- Yeah, a story, in my opinion, is not dead set and can change at anytime. The best writers, I think, are very flexible. :) Also, there is no such thing as a copy and paste comment, unless you actually do it anyway. xD Besides, even the tiniest comments can make a person very happy. If you actually read it, why not leave a few nice words or your own opinion of the writing?

Anyways, sorry to kind of derail your story topic.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Xesh001 » Thu May 26, 2016 11:16 pm

Seems like it'll be an interesting story from what you've said, along with the sample. I'll keep my eye out for more!
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Blake81 » Fri May 27, 2016 2:20 am

Ohh! I like that preamble. If you need any help with it, do PM me; I'll be always glad to help.

Feathers wrote:>_< (Sorry Blake! I really am!)


It's OK, I'm pretty picky too. :p
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Animajunki123 » Fri May 27, 2016 10:14 am

Hum... I'll look forward to it. Thing is, I've read so many stories about redemption and inner conflict that I'm not sure what you'll bring to the table that might surprise me, but I still wanna read it
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Feathers » Fri May 27, 2016 1:55 pm

Knowing Dog, it's going to be unpredictable.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Hood » Fri May 27, 2016 9:33 pm

A "Sexy in a Friendly Way" story? It is no wonder that tons of sex will follow, am I right? Jokes aside, it is to early to give a proper comment so, I'll wait until I can see more devolepement; also, the Chief God is female. And... I'm pretty interested in that "deeper thought" you mentioned.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby DogKama » Sat May 28, 2016 7:50 pm

Hood wrote:A "Sexy in a Friendly Way" story? It is no wonder that tons of sex will follow, am I right? Jokes aside, it is to early to give a proper comment so, I'll wait until I can see more devolepement; also, the Chief God is female. And... I'm pretty interested in that "deeper thought" you mentioned.

I understand the Chief God is female but do they know that? By that I'm referring to the land of man might believe there is one god and its a man, but doesn't know they change ever so often.

For the deeper thought comment, I can't say for sure what it is but that Im trying to write a short story with characters plausible concerns.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Firedragon » Sat May 28, 2016 8:39 pm

DogKama wrote:
Hood wrote:also, the Chief God is female.

I understand the Chief God is female but do they know that? By that I'm referring to the land of man might believe there is one god and its a man, but doesn't know they change ever so often.


Besides, Japanese doesn't have a grammatical gender, so "Chief God" and "Chief Goddess" are the same in KC's writings anyway. Since it's been consistently translated as "Chief God" (i.e. male), I'm assuming the translator(s) had a reason for that. Either there's some implication that the "Chief God" is usually seen as a male figure by those fools or there is no indication at all concerning "his" gender, which would allow the train of thought Dog mentioned.

And let's be honest, we're talking about religious fanatics here who KNOW (and are actually correct in this one instance...) that the "evil demons" trying to seduce/corrupt everyone are all FEMALE, so it does make sense that they'd see their "good god" as a "pure" male being...
If only they knew... :twisted:
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby DogKama » Fri Jun 10, 2016 3:19 am

I'm working on this one-shot on and off and I knew from the get go that it was going to have some words to it. I'm close to about 2,000 words which doesn't sound that bad for a one-shot but I haven't even reached the point I would safely call the beginning. If I were to be realistic I would say the story would be finished around 8-10k words.

Having said that should I perhaps post this one-shot in chunks? Post 2000 words here, another here to break up future wall of text or post it as a single finished story?
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Feathers » Fri Jun 10, 2016 3:27 am

I prefer chunks over walls myself. Walls KO me instantly. Seriously, can you imagine reading a book with one gigantic page? :o This is why I can't read most stories on here.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Blake81 » Fri Jun 10, 2016 4:20 am

DogKama wrote:I'm working on this one-shot on and off and I knew from the get go that it was going to have some words to it. I'm close to about 2,000 words which doesn't sound that bad for a one-shot but I haven't even reached the point I would safely call the beginning. If I were to be realistic I would say the story would be finished around 8-10k words.

Having said that should I perhaps post this one-shot in chunks? Post 2000 words here, another here to break up future wall of text or post it as a single finished story?


I myself have a way to split the stories up as indeed text walls are hard to read. As a whole, I divide my story into Chapters, each Chapter is divided in Parts, and each Part is subdivided using what I call ''Breaks'', which are ''···'', usually centered and bold.

I have the threshold of never letting a Chapter go too far beyond 6K words, which each Part being around 2K words each, for a total of 3 Parts per Chapter. The breaks are more meant to be like scene transitions, making the separation between a scene and the other.

Since this is a One-Shot, I wouldn't use Chapters at all, and use more Breaks instead of Parts. It makes for a more sectioned text and makes it feel less massive, as oversized stories can sometimes discourage readers.

My only One-Shot, Cold Companionship uses that system, so if you're looking for ideas, you could take a look at it.

Hope that helps.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Feathers » Fri Jun 10, 2016 2:29 pm

Also what really grinds my gears with a lot of stories, is when people grab a thesaurus and swap for rarely used words just to try to add "spice" (aka try to sound smart). Journalists (gaming included) are especially guilty of this, and it drive me insane when I have to Google a word that NO ONE would use in real life. Of course when you have people like Sheldon in Big Bang doing it, it can be amusing at least.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Blake81 » Fri Jun 10, 2016 2:53 pm

Feathers wrote:Also what really grinds my gears with a lot of stories, is when people grab a thesaurus and swap for rarely used words just to try to add "spice" (aka try to sound smart). Journalists (gaming included) are especially guilty of this, and it drive mes insane when I have to Google a word that NO ONE would use in real life.


Well, I must admit I DO that now and then... :^^;:

But only when it fits with the character saying them (or when I am simply trying to sound like Wayne June, hahah).

If I'm writing the dialogue of a character I've described as intellectual or refined, I do not want him to have the same vocabulary of every other character whom might not have the same level of culture and education. After all, movies, anime and some games have the advantage of having a voice-over, where the way the actor speaks (be it his accent, or just his tone) helps to give each character a sense of personality and uniqueness. On text, all you have to make that distinction is how you choose to phrase each line. So a few obscure words here and there may help to give the idea that this character has been through a lot of refined literature or comes from a rich upbringing.

And plus, now and then, it can be fun to use a wordy mouthful. After all, what's funnier? To just say ''Why do you have so much porn here?'' or to say ''Was there any reason for you to keep such a sheer quantity of…… explicit imagery showing female members of your race engaged in such a plethora of genitive and venereal acts, most of them clearly not meant to function for any kind of reproductive purposes?''. Sure, the first one might be simpler to understand, but I'm sure that to hear the second one can be a source for a good laugh, heheh.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Feathers » Fri Jun 10, 2016 3:54 pm

As I said it makes sense to me if you want to use for a character enhancement, to be extremely specific (like a certain breed of dog), or with humor, which is why I mentioned Sheldon (Youtube him if curious). I'm talking about mostly scene description or general out of dialogue situations when people do it. In my opinion it's an obstruction and kills my immersion in those cases.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby DogKama » Fri Jun 10, 2016 5:55 pm

Agreed, I only use the thesaurus to find a word that will spare me from using several.

For your one-shot Blake, Ill give it a look over but how I planed on posting mine was with the use of spoiler tags. I've written a couple of stories on Fimfiction(MLP fanfiction site) and feel I've grown as a writer to start trying different things. I haven't read any of the stories on TMM so I'm not sure where to start at, so if anybody has some suggestions Ill be more than happy to give it a read.
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Re: (Title to come)

Postby Firedragon » Fri Jun 10, 2016 7:45 pm

DogKama wrote:I've written a couple of stories on Fimfiction(MLP fanfiction site)


Alright, time to call in the exorcists. Or maybe a couple Terminators. Or Chuck Norris. Or Subria... :lol:
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