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The Male- Chapter 1

Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2014 4:12 am
by Nexous
(Prologue)
A man wearing a hooded robe sits in a corner of a dimly lit room with a smirk, as an old man tells a story to bright eyed children. "You dear children have heard of the Kitsune correct? From the gentle Inari, to the mischievous Youko. Well it is said once every thousand years one of them will give birth to a male. This male though no more powerful than his female counterparts is often revered by them. This story is about the one who perished but 20 years ago." The man in the corner shifted slightly, and turned his pointed ear toward him. "The other Kitsune worshiped him to the point they followed him as king. He led the Kitsune kingdom, if you could truly call it that, on wild adventures. Under his rule he protected OUR kingdom with his magics. He protected us with no intent to demand our loyalty. Yea, he did not wish humans to follow him. He protected us as we were too week to protect ourselves. For 500 years we enjoyed the peace he brought us, for 500 years before that he... enjoyed his youth. Now he has passed, and the Kitsune kingdom has dispersed, and they return to their seclusion. Our kingdom has grown in that time, and now we may protect ourselves. We have become the largest, and most powerful kingdom ever!" Suddenly the old man's tone changed to become more sinister. "Now there is no army to hold us in check, and the world IS our kingdom!" With this the children cheered, and the man in the corner stood up. He began to walk toward the door, and with a wave of his hand the old man fell to the ground dead, and the children asleep.
"I always hated the ending to that story." Said the hooded figure as he closed the door behind him.

(Yeah, so I wasn't planning on going this rout. It was originally going to be happy go lucky, and cheerful, but I figured "Eh what the hell?" This is the result. It actually gives me a little more plot to work with than just traveling around some times getting laid, and sometimes not.)

Chapter 1:
Spoiler: show
A man in a hooded robe stumbled upon a shack in the woods. With a smile he removed his hood revealing two black fox ears sitting on top of his head, and matching hair down to his shoulders. “It’s been a while since I sensed a friendly aura.” He said.
A petit, almost malnourished woman opened the door. “It’s only friendly because you can sense it. If you were a human I’d have drained you where you stand.” The woman said in a weary tone. Behind her twitched a single tired tail, missing patches of fur. It was red to match her hair. “I wasted far too much energy hiding my home, only to realize now it was pointless.” She laughed pitifully. “A human hasn’t passed to see my home in over three years. The one who came then was the first I’ve seen since moving here. I went through two tails making this house invisible to eyes that never came!” She sighed, and pushed the door further open. “Well let’s have a seat, shall we?” She turned around, and went inside without a response, she didn’t need one. The man followed her inside silently, his four tails now visible.
She sat on her old dusty rug, and motioned for the man to sit on another. “Well, allow me to play host if you will humor me. Can I offer you anything?” She asks politely.
The man nodded, and then finally spoke for the first time since seeing her in such a deteriorated state. “I’ll take some tea.” The woman stood up, electing a look of pity from the man. Seeing this, the woman just smiles apologetically. She goes into the kitchen, and returns shortly with some tea. She sits back down, and pours the tea. The man takes a drink, and slowly sits the cup down. They sit in silence for a few seconds before he speaks again. “Why is it that you fear humans? They are often times quite nice, and almost always harmless to our kind.”
Her tail fidgeted weakly. “When I was still a cub I was taken from my mother by a human. He held a sword with veins of black onyx through the blade. He used it to slay my mother, and kept me as a trophy. He did terrible things to me before I could even weave magic.” She looked up, at the man, and smiled meekly. “Don’t worry those things didn’t include violating me. He liked to test the limit of our healing ability, and called it research. I got older, and was finally able to perform magic; he then decided to test that too.” A proud look washed over her face for a moment. “So I gave him a nice, close example of my magic. I wished I could have savored it, but I couldn’t control myself. He was dead before he could even feel it. Looking back now I’m kind of glad. I’m not sure if I could have accepted being the same kind of monster he was.” She took a sip of her tea to stall her story for a moment. “After that I drained what energy that remained in his lifeless corpse, then drained all his magic artifacts. I left there with three tails. I came out here, created my home using the magic of one of my tails, and have remained hidden here since. That was ten years ago now. Not much of a story I know, but it’s mine.” She looked down, and guilt began to show on her face.

The man could tell what she was about to ask, and preempted her. “You look weak; please allow me to lend you some of my energy.” The woman was clearly relieved at not having to beg for energy. He placed his hand on hers, and a visible change began to take place. First the color began to come back to her cheeks, then her bones started becoming less visible beneath her shin, and finally her tail recovered its fur, and became fluffy again.
The woman stood up, and stretched. Her back popped audibly, as she did. She lifted her shirt to her midriff to admire her flat stomach. “You can’t see my ribs anymore!” She says cheerfully, with a now sweeter voice. She looks over at the man, who now has three tails, and her smile fades slightly. “I’m sorry I didn’t want to drain so much energy from you.”
The man stood up, and smiled. “It’s no concern. I was taught how to absorb energy from the world itself, the only issue is you need a little energy to do it. It’s something we’re usually taught once we begin to control magic, but you never had the chance to learn.” Seeing the apologetic look still on her face he extends his hand. “My name is Hein, what’s yours?”
The woman shakes his hand. “My name is Wrin.” The look of guilt finally begins to melt away. “I think I thought of a way to repay you, perhaps after you teach me how to feed on the world’s energy I can give you the payment.” She says uncomfortably.
Hein hugged Wrin. “I’ll you don’t need to pay me for helping you. It’s only natural that we should help one another. Wrin smiled, clearly relieved.
Hein stayed for the next week, he taught Wrin not only how to feed on natural energy, but also how to properly control her magic, and to sense auras. Once he taught her all that she needed he went to leave. She stopped him at the door. “Wait, can I ask you one more favor?” She asks, her now two tails swish behind her, as she moves closer to him. Hein stops, and turns around. She begins to remove his pants, and he grabs her hand.
“I told you that I don’t need any payment.” He says warmly.
“Please?” was Wrin’s only response. Hein releases her hand, and allows her to continue. She slowly removes his pants, as her tails caress his upper body. Once she removes his pants she sits back on her heels, allowing him to remove her shit. She then stands up, and kissed Hein. She gently pushed him outside, and onto a soft patch of moss that magically formed. She then removed his shirt, and continued to caress his body with her tails. She then turns her attention to his member, and chuckles. “Here I thought I was going to have to give it special attention to get it to stand up.” She then settles herself between his legs. She gives it a few licks, and then takes it into her mouth. Hein gritted his teeth in an only half successful attempt to stifle his moan. Wrin clearly took that as encouragement, as she began to suck faster, and massage his shaft with her tongue. After a few minutes she brought him to climax. “That kind of felt natural.” She said surprised how well she had done her first try. “Maybe I should have held back a little.” She said realizing she still hadn’t been satisfied.
“Don’t worry.” Hein said, as blue flame formed in his hand. He worked the magic into his member, quickly raising it to full mast again. “I’ll teach you that spell another time.” He said teasingly. “Here’s something else I could teach you.” He says as he uses his tails to pull her skirt up, and position her on top of him.
Wrin laughs. “Alright, I get it. Just give me a chance to take off my panties!” She thought about it for a moment, before using magic to remove them. She looks around, and can’t see them anywhere. “Shoot where did they go?” Hein laughs at her teleporting her underwear away, before gently wrapping his tails around her waist. This brings her back to attention. “Right, we were in the middle of something more important weren’t we?” She asks mockingly, before lowering herself. She winces slightly
“Sorry, I should have been more considerate. I forgot it was your first time.” Blue sparks came off of his tails, and Wrin relaxed a little. “That spell removes the pain from the stretching, but you still feel the pleasure.” She nods, as she continues to ride him cowgirl style. Pretty soon he reaches his climax again, but this time Hein remains hard. “We’re not done until you are.” He says, as he stands up, and holds her against a tree covered in magical moss. Wrin moans with every thrust, her tails flailing wildly. For nearly ten minutes they fuck in the stand, and deliver position, before they both finally climax together, falling onto the bed of moss.
“It only took you three times to get me off.” She teased.
“Twice.” He retorted, causing Wrin to laugh. She snuggled closer to him, and the both slowly drifted off to sleep under the canopy of trees, and the warm rays of the sun.
Feel free to comment, criticism is helpful... well it is when it's positive.

Re: The Male- Chapter 1

Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2014 12:12 am
by Firehorse32
The writing is okay, the dialogue seems a little wooden in spots, but not badly so. Some grammatical issues. Largest issue is formatting and paragraphing the dialogue.

The story itself seems a little random yet. It has no hint of any real plot line, just simple episodes or encounters. That's not bad since there are some writers who utilize such a style effectively, but it's not an easy one for a novice to pull off well. The characters seem a little shallow and could use some fleshing out but aren't bad either. I've seen much worse.

Overall score: B

Worth continuing and holds the promise to turn interesting later. Keep practicing, there's definite potential there. :^^v:

Re: The Male- Chapter 1

Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2014 1:05 am
by Nexous
The prologue actually has very little to do with the plot. It was more of writers convenience than anything. I was unsure how to properly incorporate that information into the actual story. It takes place about a week before the story (Chapter 1) Begins. It probably won't even be referenced again. (Don't you hate it when writers so what?) The dialogue is a known weak point, and one I'm attempting to work on. I plan on fleshing the character in more, and more as the story goes on. You'll find out more about his goals, his family, and how he feels about other races. I am also planning out how to incorporate more mythology of that world into it. I am clearly rusty, and will have to work on that. Though B sounds good, far better than anything I ever got in school.