Titan Slayer

[Fanfic Fetishist]

Titan Slayer
Chapter 1: Lost
by Jonathan “Fanfic Fetishist” Spires


All characters copyrighted to their original owners. If you like what you see, please support me on Patreon or with a one-time Paypal donation. Every little bit helps me pay the bills!


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A modest home…
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It was a quaint little home in a quaint little suburb. Nothing special about it at all. It was green, with a white roof, and had a small, fenced-in yard with a garden near the porch. Inside was a flat screen television, a modern sound system, and various knickknacks that reflected the personalities of the two people that lived there. The car that pulled up to the garage, while smaller than usual, was perfectly average as well, an electrical car that was about five years out of date but still perfectly functional.


The owner of the car, a Goblin Pokégirl who was employed as a schoolteacher, got out of the car. The short, four-foot tall woman stretched, sighing contentedly. The green-skinned, short-haired goblin trotted up the stairs, unlocking the door (there were two locks, one at her height, one two feet taller, but unlocking one lock unlocked both), and heading inside.


Today had been a good day. Her students had done their homework, and the reports they had turned in were coherent and well-written. The teacher goblin was confident that she was getting through to her students on the importance of learning.


She got a water bottle from the fridge, looking around her modest home. There were small stepladders leading up to places too tall for her, the home average, but comfortable. She giggled, and wondered when her wife was going to get home. It was her turn to find someone to Tame them tonight, and she was looking forward to it. Bisexual, although leaning towards female preference, she nevertheless enjoyed men now and then.


Sipping her water, she decided to watch some television. She reached for the remote. And then she saw it, in the shadows of the hallway. A slender, armored figure, one eye glowing with cold, red rage, with other shadows behind him.


Before the teacher goblin could react, the armored man, his face hidden by a grilled metal faceplate, charged forward, pinning her to the couch with a chokehold, drawing a shortsword and holding it to her face.


“Did you catch it, Goblin Slayer?” said a voice, the name they gave the armored monster sending a chill through her. The teacher goblin turned, seeing several figures, four women and two men, come out of the shadows. One woman was dressed in the robes of a clergywoman, carrying a staff. Another was wearing what looked like a waitress uniform. Another was a busty woman wearing a t-shirt and overalls. The last woman was a short woman with elven features, carrying a bow. The two men were a stout, dwarf-sized old man with a gray, braided beard and a tall man wearing Native American clothes that had reptilian features, including a large muzzle. They looked at the teacher goblin with a mix of worry and fear, save for the armored man. She could FEEL the hatred radiating off of him.


“Please… Take whatever you want, just please, don’t hurt me...” the teacher goblin begged, tears streaming down her face as she struggled to free herself.


“What’s a goblin doing here anyway?” the elf asked. “This place looks like a human residence. Sort of.”


The dwarf stroked his beard, frowning. “Still, even one goblin being here is worrisome.”


“Something’s very wrong here...” the waitress said.


“I know,” the clergywoman said. “I can’t feel my magic. It’s as if the Earth Mother doesn’t exist anymore...”


“I too am having trouble with my magic,” the lizardman said.


“As am I,” the dwarf muttered, visibly irritated.


“Please… whatever I’ve done, I’m sorry… Please don’t hurt me!” the teacher goblin pleaded.


“Quiet, goblin!” the elf barked, the woman in overall staring around the room in confusion.


“No, I mean… Why hasn’t Goblin Slayer killed it already?” the waitress asked.


Everyone blinked, and turned to the aforementioned Slayer, who was visibly shaking with rage… and as they all realized soon enough, confusion.

“It’s female,” Goblin Slayer said, his voice a harsh, metallic rasp.


“WHAT?!” the elf shrieked.


“But...” the girl in overalls said, “...aren’t goblins an all-male species?”


The Goblin Slayer slashed his captive’s shirt and dress open, revealing her rather shapely breasts, feminine curves, and womanly genitalia. The teacher goblin sobbed and tried to cover herself, humiliated as well as terrified. “She’s FEMALE. Something is wrong… This is something different… And there’s more… I think she’s legitimately begging for mercy...”


The dwarf frowned. “Now, you and I both know that’s just a ploy...”


The Goblin Slayer shook his head, still glaring at the woman beneath him. “This feels DIFFERENT,” he insisted. “I don’t know how I know, I just DO, and it’s fucking CONFUSING...”


The elf folded her arms, thinking. “...Still, a goblin’s a goblin. Best kill her anyway just to be sure,” she said.


It turned out to be the worst possible thing she could have said.


“WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?!” snarled a voice. Standing in a doorway were two figures. One was a man in armored robes, wielding a rod with a cross on one end. The other was a massive, muscular woman with six wings, reptilian eyes with white scales around them, and a glowing, ornately-designed halo behind her.


The group of invaders knew what the woman was immediately. “A divine being...” the lizardman said softly.


“YOU PUT MY WIFE DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT, YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!” the angel screamed.


“Your WIFE?!” the Goblin Slayer said, confused. This made the minds of the group of invaders lock up. A goblin? Married to a divine being?


In their confusion, they missed the fact that the cleric had raised his staff and was casting. “O most Holy of Holys, God of Gods, I beseech you for your aid. Noble YHVH, please strike down this malefactor with HOLY FLAME!” The cleric’s eyes flashed as he pointed his staff, now glowing, at the one holding down the teacher goblin.


Goblin Slayer ignited, staggering back as glowing white flames danced across him, the warrior screaming in pain. His comrades did their best to put him out, yanking a curtain and wrapping him in it to douse the flames. The teacher goblin quickly got off the couch, running to the angel, the two embracing.


“Oh honey… I’m so sorry… It’s okay now...” the angel said.


“They just showed up… Please make them go away...” the terrified teacher goblin said.


“Don’t worry,” the angel said, gently passing her to the cleric, who offered his robe to the goblin. The angel then stood up, her face and body becoming more reptilian in appearance as she started to change. “I’ll show them what it means to harm the beloved of a SERAPHIM.”


“Brace yourselves!” the dwarf shouted. The overalls girl and the waitress, clearly non-combatants, hid behind the lizardman, the elf drawing her bow. Goblin Slayer, still in pain, tried to stagger to his feet. The fear in the eyes of the intruders grew even worse when they realized what the seraphim was turning into.


“A dragon...” the waitress said, shivering with fright. “She’s becoming a dragon!”


Feathered wings became scaled, a massive tail growing out as she grew in size and power, starting to fill up the room. “Been wanting to renovate anyway,” the seraphim snarled. “Time to DIE!”


“HELLO!” chirped a cheerful voice. Before the seraphim could complete her transformation, a handsome young man in a blue and white suit teleported in front of her. “If you wouldn’t mind looking into this device for me?” The cheerful man held up a device that looked like a small cylinder. It popped open, creating a bright flash.


Goblin, cleric, and seraphim went blank-faced, the device affecting them, the seraphim’s transformation reversing itself.


“What did you-” the overalls girl started to ask.


“Hush,” the cheerful man said without turning around. To the three he had paralyzed with the device, he said, “What happened hear today was nothing at all. You, miss seraphim, brought home this fine young man to help you and your wife with your Taming needs. But because your lovely wife is SO sexy, you just couldn’t help yourself and got frisky, tearing open her clothes and tearing down the curtain.”


The three visibly relaxed, tension draining out of them, as the new memories set in. The man began to push the three of them into position, putting the goblin back on the couch, guiding the seraphim so she was on top of her, and pushing the cleric into the nearby kitchen, putting a wine bottle in his hand.


“...A memory spell?” the priestess asked softly.


“Of a sort,” the cheerful man said, turning to them, revealing a cheerful grin that was somewhat desperate. “And if you’re here when they come to their senses, the fake memories I gave them won’t take. So if you’ll forgive the cliché, come with me if you want to live.”


The group glanced over at the serpahim. The casters had no magic, and Slayer and the elf wouldn’t be enough to fight off a pissed off dragon with her own healer backing them. They were confused by some of the cheerful man’s terminology, but they understood his intent. Quickly collecting themselves, they all followed the cheerful man outside, where a black van waited for them.


“Get into the back,” the cheerful man said. “We’ll get you out of here.”


“...Where are the horses?” the overalls girl asked. “Your carriage has no horses.” The others had similar looks of confusion on their faces.


“...Oh shit, you’re medieval,” the cheerful man said, his expression turning into a grimace. “That’ll complicate things. Okay, look. The ‘carriage,’ which is called a van, by the way, has a device inside it that can propel it forward without needing horses. I’d go into more details but the befuddlement should be wearing off and I want to be WAY out of earshot before they wake up! GET IN!!”


The others looked at each other in confusion, but reluctantly agreed on it. They piled into the back of the van, the overalls girl cuddling up to Goblin Slayer, a worried look on all their faces.


The cheerful man got into the passenger side, the driver of the bus, a bearded, blonde-haired man, looking back towards them. “That all of them?” he asked.


The cheerful man nodded “Yeah! And I got to them before they did something that would get them classified as ‘troublemakers,’” he said.


“Good,” the bearded man said. “We’ve had to lock up too many people because they panicked and made a mistake.”


“Lock up?” the elf asked. “What do you mean?”


“...Might as well introduce ourselves,” the cheerful man said. He gave his name and his friend’s name.


“Wassup?” the bearded man said, paying attention to the road.


“We work for Immigration, a branch of an organization called Lockdown, which is meant to secure and contain dangerous magical artifacts. Immigration deals with visitors from another universe,” the cheerful man said.


“Another… what?!” the dwarf said, incredulous.


“We don’t know how it happened,” the cheerful man said, “but you’ve been removed from your universe, your world, and sent to ours.” He smiled apologetically. “Brace yourselves, you’re in for a bit of culture shock. Especially with all the new technology you haven’t seen before.”


The bearded man groaned. “Don’t tell me these fucks are from a medieval realm,” he said. When the cheerful man nodded, he groaned. “Fucking hell. We have to explain SO MUCH SHIT to ‘old timers.’”


“Be nice,” the cheerful man admonished. “They’ve been thrust out of their home and the first thing that happens is that they nearly get killed.”


“...Can you get us back to our world?” Goblin Slayer asked. “There’s still goblins that need killing.”


“We’ll try,” the cheerful man said. “You seem rather fixated on goblins.”


“Long story,” the Goblin Slayer said. “Don’t feel like telling it to people I just met.”


“Suffice to say he is rather justified in his hatred of the brutes. He’s become something of a specialist at killing them,” the dwarf said, introducing himself. “I am trained as a Shaman for my clan.”


The lizardman gave his name next. “I am Priest for my tribe, trained in ancient magics… which aren’t working right now.”


The elf went right after, introducing herself. “I’m of the High Elf race, and am trained as an Archer.”


The waitress went next, saying her name. “I work as a clerk for the Adventurer’s Guild back home. Sometimes I’m called Guild Girl as a nickname, which I never understood since there’s many girls working for the Guild...”


The overalls girl gave both her name and Goblin Slayer’s. “I work at a dairy farm near the town where the guild is. Sometimes I’m called Cow Girl as a joke.”


“I’m Goblin Slayer,” Goblin Slayer said.


The cheerful man shook his head. “Yyyeaaaaaaaah, you’re gonna have to drop the first part of your name, there,” he said.


“Why?” Goblin Slayer asked.


“Because goblins aren’t evil here,” the bearded man said. “You might run into an individual who’s evil, but generally speaking, the vast majority of goblins on this world are not evil. And they’re all female.”


“Same with every monster that you’re used to fighting probably,” the cheerful man said, shrugging. “Dragons, kobolds, manticores, chimeras, dragons, demons… All good, all female.”


High Elf Archer gave him an incredulous look. “You can’t expect us to believe that DEMONS are good here.”


“It’s complicated, but yeah. Most demons are completely good,” the cheerful man said.


The group all traded uncomfortable looks. “What’s going to happen to us?” Lizard Priest asked.


The cheerful man smiled. “We’re going to take you to a nearby facility. We’ll explain things in more detail to you there, and we’ll try and find you a place to stay while we look for your world and try to send you back.”


“…And I can’t hurt any goblins I find,” Goblin Slayer said.


“I’m afraid not,” the cheerful man said.


Goblin Slayer grunted, curling up on himself. High Elf Archer would have teased him for pouting like a child, but she, like the others were too confused and afraid. They had been thrust out of their world, and everything they knew had been turned upside down.


They were lost.


TO BE CONTINUED...

[Akira444]

I can already tell this is going to be a quirky little gem of a story. About time we got some new stuff on this site.

[Fanfic Fetishist]

Titan Slayer
Chapter 2: Questions and Answers
by Jonathan “Fanfic Fetishist” Spires

All characters copyrighted to their original owners. If you like what you see, please support me on Patreon or with a one-time Paypal donation! Every little bit helps me pay the bills!

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On the road…
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The group of adventurers and their civilian associates sat in the back of the van as it rolled through the countryside. It had windows in the back, so they could look out and watch the landscape as it passed by. It was seemingly peaceful, but the sight of electrical towers and poles lining the road were unfamiliar.

“What… what is that?” High Elf Archer asked, looking up into the sky. “Is that… a metal bird?”

The others looked where High Elf Archer did. Indeed, there was a large metal thing up in the sky, moving at incredible speed. The cheerful man smiled. “That’s an airplane. It’s essentially a flying machine,” he said, looking out at the plane. “Probably a 747, a passenger transport plane.”

“It moves people through the SKY?!” Cow Girl said, looking shocked. The others bore similar expressions.

The cheerful man nodded. “Like I said, you’ve got a lot to catch up on. We’ll do a full debrief on things once we get back to base.”

“So many wonders in this world… eh, Beard-Cutter?” the dwarf said, adjusting the chestplate under his white, red-highlighted robes. “Makes me wish I had more fire wine.”

“...Are you sure I can’t kill goblins here?” Goblin Slayer asked. The bearded man laughed while the cheerful man facepalmed, Slayer’s comrades taking it all in stride.

“Yes, I’m sure,” the cheerful man said. “Goblins aren’t evil here, like I sad.”

“...That makes no sense,” Goblin Slayer said.

The cheerful man facepalmed once more. Dwarf Shaman shook his head, chuckling. “You’ll have to forgive Beard-Cutter. He’s of a single mindset. We’ve been trying to drag him out of it, but it’s like pulling a boulder up a hill with yarn at times.”

“So I’m noticing,” the cheerful man said. “...Why ‘Beard-Cutter?’”

High Elf Archer spoke up first. “Beards are important to dwarven males. They’re a sign of masculinity and power. Cutting it is taboo. I’m assuming ‘Beard-Cutter’ refers to the fact that Orcbolg here would (if he had one), cut off his own beard if it meant he’d get a chance to kill goblins?”

“Aye, that’s the truth of it,” Dwarf Shaman said, chuckling and stroking his own beard.

“Dwarves in this world do tend to favor men with facial hair...” the cheerful man said thoughtfully.

“That’s because Dwarves have TASTE. A man is not a man without a well-groomed beard,” the bearded man said.

“Here here!” Dwarf Shaman said. “And I must say, that’s something of a relief. You have dwarves here?”

“And Elves. And lizardfolk,” the cheerful man said, High Elf Archer and Lizard Priest both brightening. “Just women, though. Long story.”

The three non-humans traded confused looks, but sat down and waited patiently. Goblin Slayer grumped, leaning up against the back of the van, lost in thought, Cow Girl nuzzling into him. Priestess and Guild Girl traded worried looks.

Guild Girl decided to break the awkward silence. “So! Um… None of you can access your magic?” she asked.

Priestess nodded sadly. “I’ve been praying to the Earth Mother this entire trip. But I can’t hear her. I can’t use any of my miracles,” she said. She sighed, and added “If we are in another world, that might explain it. Different gods...”

Lizard Priest nodded. He held out a handful of what looked like teeth, and said a prayer over them. When nothing happened, he shook his head. “Nothing. I can’t even summon my swords. We’re definitely in another realm. The spirits of my peoples’ great ancestors are out of reach.”

Dwarf Shaman shook his head. “I can do a little magic, but it feels like I’m doing it wrong,” he said. “I can’t get the spells to coalesce properly.”

“Not good,” Goblin Slayer said.

“Indeed,” Lizard Priest said. “I can technically still fight hand-to-hand, but I lack many other useful abilities I had.”

“And I’m not useful at all...” Priestess said softly.

“I’ll protect you,” Goblin Slayer said simply. “No matter what, I’ll protect all of you...”

Priestess blushed, smiling. Dwarf Shaman just smirked and stroked his beard. He knew it was a nervous gesture, but it comforted him. Lizard Priest just nodded, bowing. The back of the van settled into an uncomfortable silence, one which the Guild Girl broke by leaning over to talk with the cheerful man.

“So what does make this carriage go?” she asked. “I can’t imagine something moving this fast without horses...”

The cheerful man smiled. “It’s a powerful electrical engine,” he said, going into an explanation of how the engine was powered, along with giving a brief history of this engine type’s predecessor, the internal combustion engine. “Internal combustion engines are still around, but mainly used by collectors.”

“Incredible,” Guild Girl said softly. “Science has advanced so much… Without monsters attacking, I guess you would have time to study.”

“Well, we do have monster attacks, we’re just better equipped to protect against them,” the cheerful man said.

“What types of monsters? You said most of them were female now,” High Elf Archer said.

“The ones you know, anyway,” the cheerful man said. “They’ve all become humanoid and female. I’m married to a Beholder.”

Everyone in the back stared at him. They only knew beholders as evil floating eye monsters. The cheerful man chuckled and pulled out his wallet, showing them a picture. And indeed, the woman hugging the arm of the cheerful man in the photograph had the appearance of a beholder, her head bearing a single eye, mobile eyestalks on her head instead of hair.

“Incredible drawing,” Lizard Priest said, passing the picture back up front.

“It’s a photograph,” the cheerful man said. “It’s an image taken by a device that can make an exact duplicate of what it’s looking at in an instant.”

“There are devices that can do that!?” Dwarf Shaman said, fascinated.

The cheerful man nodded. “Actually, why don’t I explain some modern technology while we drive? We have time, I’m sure we can cover a few things.”

Priestess grimaced. “I’m sorry we’re so ignorant,” she said.

“It can’t be helped,” the cheerful man said. “You’ve been thrown out of your own time and into a place far more advanced.” And he began to talk, explaining what he knew about cameras, televisions, refrigerators, and other similar modern conveniences.

As the others occasionally asked questions, Goblin Slayer sat back, quietly listening and taking in every bit of information. He would clench his fists from time, grunting in irritation. Cow Girl noticed this, gently nudging him.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“...Not sure what I’m supposed to do here,” Goblin Slayer said. “I have trained my entire life to kill goblins. But now I’m not allowed to kill goblins, because apparently they’re mostly good now.” Despite wearing a helmet, and the bearded man facing away, everyone could SEE Goblin Slayer grimace in frustration. “Just saying that gave me a headache...”

The bearded man frowned. “Hey. Murder boy,” he said. Goblin Slayer knew he meant him, so he turned towards him. The bearded man thought for a moment, and asked, “What happened to you, anyway? Why do you have a mad on for goblins so much?”

“That’s not really impor-” High Elf Archer started to stay.

“It’s fine,” Goblin Slayer said, interrupting her. “When I was a child, my village was attacked by goblins and destroyed. A common enough tale. My sister put me in a hiding spot, but before she could get away, those little monsters captured her and raped her to death. It was several hours before she and the other women of the village died...”

The bearded man and the suddenly not as cheerful man stared wordlessly. Goblin Slayer continued. “I barely escaped, literally eating dirt to survive, and trained under the tutelage of a Rhea wearing a goblin’s face as a mask to become a goblin exterminator. A lot of what I learned was through trial and error after leaving him, but I made a name for myself.”

The others of Goblin Slayer’s party knew the general basis of his origin, but to hear this now…

“...You’ve had quite the hard life, Orcbolg,” High Elf Archer said. It was all she trusted herself to say.

“...Classic Goblins are kinda small fries, aren’t they? I mean, back in the day,” the bearded man said softly.

“Someone had to take care of them,” Goblin Slayer said. “No matter what happens, no matter what demons or warlocks or beasts showed up, there would always be more goblins. While other adventurers were waiting on bigger game, goblins would destroy another village because none of them wanted to deal with them.”

“So you became a specialist because no one else would deal with them,” the cheerful man said.

“It needed doing,” Goblin Slayer said. “I didn’t become an adventurer for fame. I started adventuring to kill goblins. It’s only recently that I’ve been going on adventures for other reasons.”

Guild Girl sighed. “The army never helped because they were ‘small fries.’ And people who made goblin requests usually couldn’t put up an enticing enough reward. Mostly, we’d have to send out teams of rookie adventurers. And they’d make stupid mistakes that got them killed...”

“I was in a rookie party,” Priestess said. “We didn’t watch for ambushes. We didn’t account for Hobgoblins or spellcasters. We let our front and back lines get separated. Our Warrior had a sword that was too long for use in a cave, we had no armor, no potions for healing… I only had a minor healing spell and a light spell at the time, and I could only cast three times a day. Our Wizard had a fireball spell that could kill one goblin… at a time… if she got the chance to cast.” She shivered, Cow Girl hugging her.

Goblin Slayer, sensing her discomfort, continued for her. “The Warrior was torn apart when he accidentally struck his sword on the roof of the cave, knocking it out of his hands. The Wizard was stabbed with a poisoned blade, and they had no antidotes so the heal Priestess used on her was wasted. In the end, I arrived too late to save her, and I had to give her…” He struggled for a moment to find the phrasing. “Mercy.”

The bearded man took a breath, while the cheerful man crossed himself, wincing.

Goblin Slayer continued. “The Fighter of the group they kept alive for… reasons. By the time I got there she was catatonic, but thankfully hadn’t been impregnated yet.”

“They were keeping her for BREEDING?!” the cheerful man said, visibly disturbed.

“All-male species,” Dwarf Shaman said, sipping from a cask he pulled out his robes. “They needed to get their children from somewhere...”

“VERY glad Goblin Classics are extinct here...” the bearded man muttered.

“You’re lucky,” High Elf Archer said. “They did it for fun as much as they did for breeding...”

“I saved Priestess. She’s proven very useful and versatile,” Goblin Slayer said. “And she’s a good learner.”

Priestess blushed a little at the praise, Cow Girl smiling and ruffling her hair.

The cheerful man looked thoughtful for a long moment. “I think I know what we can do with them,” he said to his companion.

The bearded man nodded. “Hunter’s Guild?” he asked. When the cheerful man nodded, he chuckled. “I’ll call Brianna. She’ll be happy to take in some new Lost.”

“Lost?” Cow Girl asked.

“One of the terms we use for types of interdimensional travelers like yourself,” the cheerful man said. “Lost, who find themselves displaced from their world. Like you lot. We try to make them comfortable while they are here, while working on ways to send them home. Refugees, who have lost their world entirely or who can’t go home for some reason. We try to give them a home here and help them adjust. The third type is the Troublemakers. We… have to take certain measures against them.”

“...If we had killed the goblin woman, we would have been labeled troublemakers?” High Elf Archer said hesitantly.

“Yes,” the cheerful man said, smiling apologetically. “Low level, due to your lack of knowledge of how the world works, but you’d all be imprisoned until we found a way to send you home.”

“And if you couldn’t?” Goblin Slayer asked.

“Then you’d be given two options,” the bearded man said. “Work for us, or cease to exist.”

At the alarm of their passengers, the cheerful man held up his hands placatingly. “You don’t have to worry about that, so long as you obey a few rules. First, do your best to adjust to your new setting. Secondly, obey all local laws. Thirdly… don’t let anyone know you’re from another reality.”

Guild Girl was the first to get it. “You want to avoid panicking the populace,” she said.

“With the wide variety of people who’ve come here from other worlds over the years, we don’t know how the populace would react. Centuries ago a brilliant man dabbled in dimensional travel. And he ended up creating seven of the planet’s deadliest foes, the Titans,” the cheerful man said. “Their evil is felt even centuries after their deaths. We don’t want any misplaced blame falling onto any of you.”

“Thank you,” Lizard Priest said. “Your logic is sound.” The others agreed.

Cow Girl leaned forward. “I’m curious… Have others had trouble adjusting?”

Both men in front snickered. “There was once a prince from a medieval time,” the cheerful man said. “He was a fine warrior, but your classic snobby nobleman. Entitled, arrogant, everything that implies. He had with him a bard. Very musically talented, but humble and very put upon by his master, who insisted he sing songs of his glory only.”

Dwarf Shaman snickered. “I think I know where this is going.”

“After a skills assessment, the only place we could find a job for the prince was as a janitor in a theme park. Cleaning up old food, paper trash, cigarette butts, used diapers...” the cheerful man said, most of the group in back chuckling.

“As for his bard?” the bearded man added, chuckling, “He’s currently one of the most famous singers alive, having won dozens of awards for his music.”

“So there’s a chance we might adapt as well...” Dwarf Shaman said thoughtfully.

“This world is a really nice place if you give it a chance,” the bearded man said. “There’s hope for everyone who comes here.”

“Truthfully, there’s hope even for Troublemakers. A high level Refugee Troublemaker, a deliberate villain, came and completely changed his ways once he realized that we had never experienced the music of the man he modeled his appearance after. Now? He’s one of the most beloved musicians of all time, having single-handedly revived the legend of the King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley,” the cheerful man said.

“That’s… incredible, actually,” High Elf Archer said. “Just because you didn’t know this ‘King’s’ music?”

“The world was changed five-hundred years ago. Things were lost,” the cheerful man said, shrugging. “Elvis, from what we’ve been able to discover in historical study, meant a lot to a lot of people, his songs speaking to them on a spiritual level.”

“They still do,” the bearded man said almost dreamily.

The cheerful man chuckled. “We’re almost at the facility,” he said. “Why don’t I put on some of Elvis’s songs? I always find some music relaxes me before examinations.”

The bearded man grinned. “Amen, brother,” he said, pressing a few buttons on the radio. A few moments later, a rich, beautiful male voice came over the speakers.

“Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can’t help
Falling in love with you...”

Something about the man’s tones made all the females in the back of the van blush, entranced by the sound. Even the men seemed spellbound, Goblin Slayer included.

About an hour later, they went offroad, driving into the desert. The passengers watched, confused, as the bearded man drove on. Eventually, the sky seemed to warp around them, a massive fortress of chrome and shining steel appearing in the distance.

“What in blazes?!” Dwatf Shaman said, voicing the confusion everyone felt.

The cheerful man grinned. “Holographic illusion technology, plus a perception filtering spell. All sapient life avoids this facility UNLESS THEY KNOW WHERE IT IS.”

“Welcome to one of Lockdown’s Immigration branches, kiddos,” the bearded man said, a door opening in the fortress. He pulled into the garage, passing various other vehicles. To the surprise of the gathered adventurers, one of the vehicles suddenly turned into a giant robotic woman, the car’s chassis literally unfolding and reconfiguring into a buxom, silver-skinned, electronic blue-eyed form with blue armor that resembled the pieces of the car. She took a barrel of fuel oil from a cart being pushed by a worker, and began to drink it, sighing in satiation once it was emptied.

“...Uh...” High Elf Archer managed after a moment.

The cheerful man chuckled. “That’s Nidia Michaels. She’s one of our troop transports, a Roller Pokégirl,” he said.

“PokéWHAT?” Guild Girl asked, confused.

The bearded man grinned. “Just follow us,” he said. “We’ll drop you off with someone who can help you with your initial orientation while we file our reports.”

The car woman noticed the group of adventurers and smiled pleasantly at them. Guild Girl, Cow Girl, and Dwarf Shaman nervously waved back, everyone following their hosts inside. When they entered the main building, they all stopped and stared, even Goblin Slayer visibly shocked.

Men and women of all sorts were milling about, chatting casually, some of them openly making out and fondling each other in public. Serpentine Lamias slithered around, the snake-tailed woman armored and armored. Buxom Centaurs of various varieties trotted about, one arguing with what looked to be a weapons merchant. Nearby, a Manticore woman was sitting with a handsome man, planted firmly on his lap as their lips locked together, the two making out in public and ignoring the teases of their fellows. Harpies of various types flew about alongside other fliers, Slimes oozed about… before the shocked adventurers eyes were every monster they had ever fought or heard of, only in the form of incredibly beautiful women.

“What is this place...” Lizard Priest said softly.

“It’s home,” the bearded man said. “Just wait here, we’ll send the orientation specialist over in a moment.”

The adventurers nodded numbly as their hosts walked off, casually chatting. The cheerful man slapped a Dragon on the ass, the scaled woman playfully nipping the air in front of the man in response. He laughed, he and the bearded man continuing on as the Dragon chuckled, fluttering her wings and going back to her business.

At a total loss, the adventurers clung close to each other, not sure what to say or do. After a few minutes, they were joined by someone new.

“HELLO, NEW PEOPLE!” said an electronic voice.

The adventurers looked around in shock for a moment before they found the source of the voice, a small, rectangle-like mechanism with a camera for an eye, who moved on a single wheel. It had spindly electronic arms and an obnoxiously cheerful voice.

“I’m CLAPTRAP! I’m from another world, like you folks, but I decided to stay here and be useful!” the machine said. The adventurers could only stare at him, shocked. Claptrap laughed. “Yes, I know, I’m amazing! But let’s get moving, shall we? I got a room set up for any new travelers to come through, and a slide show! I promise it’ll be good!” He turned and started to roll away. “C’mon, follow me!”

The adventurers all traded worried, confused looks, before they started after Claptrap. After all, it’s not like they had any other options…

TO BE CONTINUED...